羊 ; Sheep

A Few Steps Back and A Few Steps Forward

I remember a few things again. Like the voices wanted me to sever ties from everyone. It was saying everybody hates me. Especially my bestie.

The voices were trying to pit me against everyone who are dear to me—even those whom I am not close with (e.g., a female acquaintance in college who was also in love with the guy I was in love with).

Also, what I’m trying to understand is why the entities (voices I was talking ‘to) didn’t want me dead. As far as I know, in possessions, usually the being wants the soul. It kinda does want it, but its priority was to kind of replace me. Take over my body. I remember it saying, “You are not Joan.”

Another confusing thing is, why was I self-destructing? It made me crazy enough to scare away the guy who I was very much in love with since forever. It was trying to make me believe that my bestie hates me. It was trying to make me believe my family hates me (always focusing on one specific sister as well). It doesn’t want me to work (keeps on disturbing me, talking and shaking my body when I try to focus). It also wants me to resign from my job. It wants me to let go of everything, especially the house.

It said I was special. That’s why it’s taken an interest in me. I don’t know about that, but I don’t feel special at all. There’s nothing special about me, to be honest.

I was just really confused why it didn’t push me into killing myself. Instead, it made me do things that are very destructive, demeaning, humiliating and embarrassing.

Or maybe it was trying to play games with me until I can’t take it anymore...? Just like with the game about Lady Misfortune?

Even with the first-person perspective, it’s really mind-boggling. I can’t explain it. All I know is I was talking to people and that, along with my actions, I’m being driven into madness. I was really questioning everything. I was self-aware but not really. I kinda know but not know. I was there but most of the time, only a third-party observer.

Aside from my family, the guy I’m in love with and my bestie, it also took the identity of my bestie’s parents, my ex, my ex’s family, my former boss, my four former colleagues, a couple whom I’m friends with, four of my high school beshies, all of my teammates at work, our CEOs, my uncles, our neighbors in Fairview, people in Romblon whom I’ve never even met or talked to, God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, etc.

That time, it felt like I was talking to everyone through telepathy or something. I was hearing voices. It would introduce itself as someone familiar, then tell me crazy BS.

Also, everyone (the voices) was saying they can see EVERYTHING that I was doing.

I was really fighting hard not to believe everything it/they were saying. I also had difficulty eating. My family said there are times I would space out. And then go back to talking to someone suddenly. I wasn’t responding properly to them. It was crazy.

I had doubts of what was happening. Trying to make sense of it all. But sometimes it gets so convincing that I give in a little. Hence, the strange actions people were telling I was doing and they said I kept on whispering. Constantly talking to someone they can’t see. And I do notice my uncontrollable squirm, my chest moving in a weird way (like something wants out) and my arms and fingers moving on their own when I’m just sitting, resting or lying down.

There are lots of problems here:

1. How come I was stupid enough to believe that telepathy is possible? And with that many a people? I can’t believe I went with it for months. But I really can’t blame myself. There were lots of voices enough to think your head is going to explode.

2. Why would I need to talk to them through telepathy and be distributed when we can just call or message each other after my shift? (I really wanted to work that time but it was hard. I was distracted by the voices. And sometimes, a force would nudge my back.) Crazy town, innit???

3. It also got me thinking... Why the heck would I do that? Talking to something I’m just hearing but not really there...? Am I really insane? Am I delusional?

There were also a couple of times I heard the voice said out of the blue, “uto-uto” and “gullible.”

It was also saying that I’ve been speaking Latin when praying and sleeping. Heck, I only know like 3 Latin phrases and as I type, I can’t even remember them right now!!!

I am not the attention-seeking type. I always want to be in the sidelines, cheering on people. I want to be invisible, but still there for people.

So why the heck would I do that, right? I don’t have time to act insane and strange. I’ve got responsibilities and places to be.

If it’s a meltdown because of a guy leaving me or breaking my heart or things not going my way, heck it should’ve happened more than 5 times.

I have a fair share of experiences chasing a guy. I tried making the first move on 2 guys already before the guy I’m really in love with came back into my life. I was heartbroken since both guys got intimidated and decided to reject me.

It wasn’t my first rejection. So I can definitely take it. It’s not a meltdown because I was feeling perfectly okay before all hell broke loose.

Also, I wasn’t stressed with work as I only have one that time. I had lots of time sleeping then too so I wasn’t really exhausted physically.

There were so many instances that, if it’s a mental breakdown, it should’ve happened many times before. The stakes were higher before that and the worse that I’ve been through was major depression—not complete insanity.

Why only that time?

I went to the psychiatrist multiple times. I was hoping to God for the meds to work but nada. The sleeping pills weren’t working. There was a time I was awake for 2 straight days, I remember. I wanted to sleep but I keep get nudged into wakefulness every time I get into a lull. The medications for schizophrenia, bipolar and psychosis weren’t working too. I still hear them even after taking them every day for 2 months. It was the worst.

I also remember changing my Twitter name to "Joan Almighty." Cringy. Yuck.

I even accepted my madness and insanity wholeheartedly inside a church. And one of the voices responded, “Hala, tinanggap nya.”

Oh and it also kept swearing the entire duration I was insane and disabled. In a way I’ve never swore before. I know how I swear. And it’s not swearing like I do. It was different. So it definitely isn’t me.

One of the voices also said (sometimes I hear them talking to each other), “Namayapa na yung kabiyak ko.” And I was like... HA??? Where did that come from???

Why would I talk to myself like that? Why would l talk myself using my mouth and out loud?

And as I said in my previous post, it only stopped after going to a manggagamot the third time.

I don’t know what is much scarier: me not insane and something paranormal happened or me completely insane and I have undergone a meltdown.

This all sounds crazy and unconvincing—even for me. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why me. I’m religious. I always pray. No heartbreak or stressful event can drive me into self-destruction that way. I have gone through hell and back, figuratively.

It’s all weird.

This is the first time (well, second time here) I’ve been actually talking about what had happened to me. Not many people in my life wants to believe in the supernatural. And I don’t want to scare people too. Even I am scared of what I saw and heard and of the entirety of what happened. I don’t want it or them to come back. I don’t want something like that to happen again.

Everyone in my life who were with me during my fight for sanity wants me to move on and forget about it. But it’s hard, you know? Especially when you can’t understand why you were acting weirdly and why you were saying things that are very strange.

My sister was telling me I was also saying weird things on Twitter. I can’t remember what I was saying... She told me she forgot but everybody thought I was going to kill myself or do something dangerous to myself.

Hang on! I just remembered!!! One of the voices was telling me to be careful of going to the airport. And that I shouldn’t fetch the person I was supposed to fetch because it’s dangerous.

But then another voice was saying to go whatever happens. And that person and me will be together. Or something stupid like that.

I don’t know. Crazy.

I’ll try to write things down when I remember them again. It kind of makes me feel better. I can’t talk to anyone about it. And it sounds all too crazy to tell someone—no one will believe it’s all true. Even I am having a hard time processing it. I also think I’m going to worry people if I tell them the bits and pieces that I remember from what happened.

And they keep saying it’s been months already. What they don’t understand was it was traumatic. I don’t want to stay in this disposition. Who wants to, right? Also, it’s hard, but I’m trying my best. I really am.

And maybe if I do this, I can let it go little by little until I can finally move on.
Emma Watson; Out in the Field

Out of Sunshine...

Emotions can be a funny thing. It can send you on a high, make you feel warm and, in some grave instance, drop you to the coldest places.

I have so much on my mind right now. I feel so many things too. But I just can't seem to put them all into words. It sucks that all I ever thought of as a solution was to write a blog post. And yet, now I'm complaining no locution can address them all.

As I type, I have sighed three times already. There's so much heaviness in my chest, and thoughts are swirling around in my head faster than a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.

I feel so tired, so jaded, so out of life right now. If only everything could stop for a moment to give me some air to breathe, but that isn't possible.

At least, tomorrow is Saturday. No work. But I have to meet with a friend. I asked him to help me with something very important and urgent. Even that is troubling me--both the meetup and what we're going to do. But I gotta keep on keeping on, you know?

No one will do it for me. I can't rely on anyone to do things for me. But sometimes, I feel that would be a nice circumstance. Having someone you can depend on. To help you carry burdens. I've been doing my best to be strong for so long. I don't want to complain. I just want to express my feeling of exhaustion and how lovely it would be to have someone by your side.

Being alone is great. Fun, even. But it gets lonely sometimes, I'll have to admit. And I've always wanted to have someone who I can tell anything to. My deepest darkest secrets, my stupid thoughts, my idiotic jokes, my fantasies, my sorrows, my failures, my insecurities, my disappointments, and everything.

It's really a bummer to have not been blessed to have someone I could be everything and nothing with. Someone I could share everything with. I thought I have found someone, but I was wrong. Huge mistake. So here I am at square one. No--here I am, lost.

Or maybe I'm saying all this because I'm tired? I actually don't know anything anymore.

I feel so down right now. I want air. I want sunshine. I've been crying again, and I hate it so much. I want a long, tight hug. I want security. I want things to be okay. I want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay. I'm so lost. I feel so alone.

What's the point of this blog post? Well, I did want to express myself. Did it make me feel better? I don't know. But writing out stuff helps me in some way.

I hope to feel better soon. I want to get out of this.

EDIT:
After telling my sister how I feel and about this blog post, she came over and talked to me. Another mistake to think that I’m alone. I have a sister whom I also consider my best friend. I can say anything to her, especially my problems and insecurities. How lucky I am to have her. I feel better now. I also should really love and be more kind to myself more.
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I Want To Understand What Happened

It's opening Pandora's box again, but I wanted to understand what had happened to me. I've been alone for years, been stressed and heartbroken terribly before. But never have I gone off the rails like that. And I wasn't me. I don't know what I was saying or doing anymore.

They kept saying that I was heartbroken because of a guy that I crashed so low. They say that I was stressed. They say that I was not sleeping properly. They say that I'm not eating right.

THERE ARE SO MANY WRONG THINGS HERE. Let me clear this out:

1. I've been heartbroken before because of the same guy. It didn't happen. I've been heartbroken many times because of my ex, that didn't happen.

2. I wasn't stressed that time as I only had one job with so much time on my hands--and I'm using it efficiently (too efficiently that I still have so much time to sleep more. I kept sleeping!). I've been stressed before because of huge financial problems. I've been stressed before because of losing a job. My old condo was even taken away from me leaving me with more than a million peso in losses. And guess what? Still that didn't happen. But I did have depression that time. I really wanted to die back then, but I kept going because of my family.

3. I haven't been sleeping properly ever since high school. I only sleep for 2-4 hours but still function like everyone else. It was never the sleep, I tell you. I was even able to finish my college thesis without sleep for 2 days. Did that happen? Still no. And as mentioned on number #2, I kept sleeping the time the craziness happened. So still weird.

4. Eating? Like, come on. I was eating like a pig before things got crazy. That couldn't have been it. I've been skipping meals lots of times before. Even during my early days in freelancing, I just kept on going with work and not eating much. It's really not about me not consuming or overconsuming food.

It's a mystery. I just really went to town with the craziness. I bothered the guy who broke my heart with lots of weird messages enough for him to sever ties completely. I was sending weird messages to friends and coworkers. I was calling CEOs. I humiliated myself in public many times. Tweeted lots of weird things. It was so weird, and I was kinda self-aware that I thought some weird Black Mirror shit was happening!!!

At first, something was responding to whatever I typed on my Twitter account. I thought it was the guy who broke my heart. I don't know why I've thought of him. There was also a time I got really angry, and I can't pinpoint what the reason was. It was so weird.

It would also affirm something. I don't know. It's really hard to explain. It was so weird.

And if I say or write something related to the guy I'm talking about, I will feel pain somewhere in my body or a part of me would twitch. Also, something would nudge or signal something to me, I can't explain it. And when I go online, it would stop. At first it was like every hour or 30 minutes. I can't remember. Then it became every 15 minutes. Crazy.

I also can't believe I got convinced that people were talking to me through telepathy or something.

I was hearing lots of whispers. My mouth and body were moving without my control. It was crazy. It was scary.

Most of everyone in my life (family, a few friends and even my coworkers) were talking to me through those whispers, and I kept on trying to find out if the whispers were true. But none of them were. I've seen entities too. Really, really, really scary ones. Like those in horror movies but much scarier.

I also saw Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, and what I think was God. From what I saw, he kinda looks like Zeus. But it can be just a hallucination. Or the work of evil. I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything, but I really want to.

I was trying so hard to fight it. I was trying to maintain my consciousness.

I was taken to three healers. I kept asking for a priest. Sadly, I wasn't exorcised. Or maybe I was too strong that I still kinda look like I'm just insane and not being possessed by something.

One of the craziest that had happened is that I was chased down by three entities along a dark part of EDSA--where no one was passing through that time of the night. Something chased me out of my apartment complex (I don't know what to call it, 'kay?) before that. All I remember was me running away from weird beings. I was eating at the cafe near the lobby before all of it happened. I left my food too. Then I stopped to hail a taxi. I tried to look back, and they were gone.

My hands were frozen shut that time too! I can't move them. All other body parts were fine except my hands. They were shut tight. I don't know why.

The scariest was when my lips started moving and the words that came out were, "I am your worst nightmare. I am legion. We are many."

I AM NOT FRIGGING JOKING ABOUT THIS.

And to hell would I even make this all up. I've no time for that, and I get so worked up and guilty when I tell lies. I hate telling lies. I swear to you, dear reader, along with my life and my entire family's, that I am not kidding. It's the truth.

Then a taxi stopped in front of me. I asked him to take me to the nearest church. That time, I had a sudden need for holy water. The first church we went to was already closed. The second one didn't have holy water. Such is my luck. The taxi driver left me when he saw the church was opened. It was also so creepy that after touching the basin where holy water was supposed to be in, a voice said, "Wala kang holy water ngayon, no? Ano ka ngayon?" CRAZY.

After that, I went outside. I didn't know what to do. There were so many voices. I was trying to still keep my sanity and consciousness that time. Fighting really hard. Then another voice said, "Don't just stand there. Ask for help!" I don't know who or what that was, but it woke me up. And I found myself standing outside the church not doing anything. I don't know for how long was it. But. I. Was. Just. Standing. There.

After getting my consciousness back, I rode a taxi and asked to be taken to Quiapo church. There was holy water there, but the whispers remain. I almost collapsed while I'm in the taxi, but I was fighting so hard not to.

Then I called my mum and was told to remain where I am so they can fetch me. When my uncle got me, I was saying weird things in the car that even I can't remember anymore. All I can remember was there were lots of shouting. I tried to pray, but I was having a hard time saying some of the words. I would even forget what I was doing that time. But then I did my best to keep on praying. I said some of the words while shouting. It felt like something in me doesn't want to say them, and something wants to get out. Heaven, God, Jesus Christ, etc. are the words/names I keep on having difficulty saying.

Many things have happend after that. So many whispers. So many lies. It or they used lots of people in my life. Even the Holy Trinity. It can see my every move. It wants to take over my body, and I kept on fighting it. My lips and body would move on their own, and it feels like I'm just a third-party observer. It wants to take over my mind. It wants to take everything. Or so I heard it/they say, and I could also tell from what they're doing to me.

My family even told me that I was saying obscene and lewd things out loud and in public. I am not that kind of person, and why would I want to embarrass myself in front of people???

Also, my chest was doing weird things, making my whole body twitch uncontrollably. Like something wants out or move my body. I don't know. My limbs would start to move on their own. I don't know. Really, it's so weird.

I don't know why me of all people. I am a faithful Roman Catholic. I don't understand why it had to happen to me. I don't understand why it/they were obsessed with the guy who broke my heart. Or maybe it/they used him to get to me? I don't know. But everyone in my life keeps saying that it was because I was obsessed. And that him leaving me made me crash and burn.

I mean, I love him, and it hurt, but I won't do the things I did. I am not that desperate. I have accepted that he doesn’t want me at all. And love is when you let go of your special person and be happy for them.

I am good with being alone, and I feel good about it. I'm in no rush to be in a relationship. Heck, I even survived to this day without having any sex at all. All modesty aside, there are a few men who'd want to date me and have sex with me. But I remain single and celibate by choice. Mr. Right hasn't come by yet, and I am more than happy to wait for him to arrive. There's also so many things that I'd love to do on my own for now. I have goals and lots of responsibilities. The right time will come for me, I know. If it happens, it happens. If it feels right, it feels right.

I also don't know why it/they want to be bring me down and destroy me. It made me lose almost everything. ESPECIALLY MY SANITY. Goodness gracious. I am not that fortunate as people might think I am. I don't want to dive into it. All I could say is that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Cliché, right? Also, you can only see what lies on the surface. I'm not sure what happened to me, but yeah, don't go jumping into conclusions.

I hope that I can let this experience go soon. It still keeps on bugging me from time to time because it's so weird. It's crazy that I became like a mental hospital patient. That I lost my mind like that. There are so many things that I don't understand. And I don't want anything like that to happen again.

Paranormal things have happened to me before. This is the third time. But it's always different. The one before this also wants to take me. And please, for the love of God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, I don't want a fourth one.

If I ever said or done anything weird to whoever is reading this right now, please accept my heartfelt apology. I wasn't myself that time.

EDIT:

I was also taken to a psychiatrist. They were trying to check what was happening to me. They gave me meds too. I was waiting for it to work but it didn't! They also gave me sleeping pills but even after 3 hours of taking it, I was still awake. The voices, twitching, body moving on its own still didn't stop. Not till I had been taken to an albularyo again. I almost accepted that I was just completely going insane. But nah, I was aware that something's not right. The meds for psychosis and delusions didn't work as they should have. I was still hearing voices and seeing things. So it's either a different level of being psychotic/insane or something more than unnatural is going on that time.

Emma Watson; Out in the Field

My 2019 List

Movies I've Watched On The Big Screen:
Captain Marvel
Avengers: Endgame
Joker
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil
Terminator: Dark Fate

Movies I've Watched Anywhere Else:
Birdbox
Crazy Rich Asians
Sword Art Online The Movie: Ordinal Scale
Aquaman
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
Ready Player One
Ocean's 8
Set It Up
Ralph Breaks the Internet
The Perfect Date
Escape Room
Venom
The Silence
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
A Simple Favor
Hintayan ng Langit
Murder Mystery
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
It: Chapter One
John Wick: Chapter 3 -- Parabellum
Bakit Lahat ng Gwapo May Boyfriend?!
Escape Plan
5 Feet Apart
Spiderman: Far From Home
Shazam!
Aladdin
Weathering With You
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

TV Series:
Black Mirror Season 4 (complete)
Riverdale Season 2 (complete)
Riverdale Season 3 (complete)
House of Cards Season 5 (ongoing)
Game of Thrones Season 8 (complete)
My Love From The Star (complete)
Shopaholic Louis (complete)
The Witcher Season 1 (complete)

Anime Series:
Attack on Titan Season 3 Part 2 (complete)
Love Is War (complete)
Future Diary (complete)
Himouto! Umaru-chan (complete)

Games:
Oxenfree (complete)
Horizon Zero Dawn (continuous)
Detriot: Become Human (complete)

Places I've Visited:
Taipei, Taiwan
New Taipei City, Taiwan
Taichung, Taiwan
Seoul, South Korea
Paju, South Korea
Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei
Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
コンテンツを; Content

Moving Forward

After a long week, finally, it's Sunday. Sundays usually give me mixed feelings. It's both the end and the start of the week for me, so I can't choose whether to be happy or sad about it.

Anyway, I'm still going on learning German. I'm enjoying learning on my own, but sooner or later I might have to go back to school for it as it's much better to learn formally so I can practice it. I fell in love with the language back in 2014. I was already reading German texts for a translation company that time. I don't know why but it piqued my interest! And only this year have I had the courage to actually try learning the language.

It's just so sad that I had to be dropped out of my classes because of being "unwell" the whole September. (I still can't shake all the embarrassment, guilt and shame for the things I have said and done to people. Yes, a lot of people got involved, and I truly despise who I was back in August. That's not me.)

Anyway... Enough of that!

I'm really getting better reading and understanding German. It's just that I lack practice in speaking. I've no one to talk to in German, plus it's not yet a convenient time for me to go back to school. I've lots of things to attend to right now. But soon!!!

I'm also learning other things for business school and work. It's hard to juggle right now, but I'm managing. I'm also reconnecting with friends as I've been missing them.

I got to get out yesterday with Robin, and then with Vanny and Dindin. It was nice to chitchat and exchange life experiences and advices. I gotta make this a habit every now and then.



I also found a new book to read. I was inside National Bookstore while waiting for my two besties and found "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck." It was a good read. Or maybe it just resonated with me because of the things that had happened recently...? Lol. I've read about 10 pages but did not buy it yet as I still have lots of books on my list. But soon!!! (Again? I know, right?)

I also exchanged messages with Jym-p. It was nice to hear from him again, too. He said it was unfortunate that he wasn't able to message me during my "unwell" weeks. He was worried. He also advised not to offer indecent proposals anymore! HAHA. It wasn't me, I swear!

After this, I'll be going to attend mass. I'm really hoping to see Joshua. He's been my forever childhood crush. HAHAHA.

Gotta go~!
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Emma Watson; Out in the Field

Dream

I just woke up to a mess I shouldn’t have made.

I dunno what happened and what got into me when I said things I shouldn’t have said.

It was like digging a grave I’m not supposed to die in.

I am honestly ashamed and guilty of what had happened. I wish for a new life, a new body, a new name. But that’s not the way I should get over it.

I need to be accountable for my actions.

I can’t keep running anymore. I can do this.
タワーのラプンツェル; Tangled (movie)

My 2018 List

Movies I've Watched On The Big Screen:
The Greatest Showman
Black Panther
Pacific Rim 2
A Quiet Place
Avengers: Infinity War
Deadpool 2
Sid & Aya
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Movies I've Watched Anywhere Else:
10 Cloverfield Lane
Murder In The Orient Express
How To Be Single
Eat, Pray, Love
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
To All the Boys I've Loved Before
Kubo
The Intern
Red Sparrow

TV Series:
The Crown (complete)
What's Wrong With Secretary Kim (complete)

Anime:
Shingeki no Kyojin (complete)
Tada-kun wa Koi wo Shinai (complete)

Places I've Visited:
Osaka, Japan
Kyoto, Japan
Nara, Japan
Bangkok, Thailand (Twice)
Ayutthaya, Thailand
Singapore (Twice)
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Vientiane, Laos
Phnom Phen, Cambodia
Siam Reap, Cambodia
Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam
Emma Watson; Out in the Field

Time

hourglass-time-flies_925x.jpg


It could be your friend or your enemy.

The way you look at it depends on your circumstances, but it is always objective.

The hardest part is that it will never wait for you.

You can race it. Yet, time that had passed can never be taken back.

Avoid wasting it.

But if you have to, just make sure it's worth every single second.